Things are going too well: A quick guide to self-sabotage

Okay, imagine this. You’re chilling on TikTok and suddenly, you sense it. Something’s different. Something’s… wrong? Let me let you in on a little secret: nothing’s wrong, but rather, things are too right.


Look around. Things should NOT be this good.


Lucky for you, The Fluke News is here with a guide to help you through this time by bringing back that feeling of impending doom and making you question your self-worth.


1. Ahead on work? Why don’t you stop now. This will allow those feelings of stress and regret to creep back in. (The quality of your work should also suffer.)

2. Relationships doing well? Slow down chief, I need you to reevaluate. Relationships SEEM good. But what’s that one thing that’s always bothered you about your friend, boyfriend, friend-with-benefits, etc.? Perfect time to bring it up, and make sure to do it in the most abrasive and accusatory way possible.

3. Having fun and feeling good? C’mon now. Let’s think about the future. Scary, right? So many unknowns, and I promise you, EVERYONE else has it all figured out.

4. Family good? Well your grandma is kinda old… have you talked to her lately? She’s probably getting weaker. Better tell all of your family members you love them soon… you never know.

5. That weird pain you had a week ago? Thank God it's gone. But… probably cancer. It's basically incurable at this point. You're a ticking time bomb.

6. OMG cute dog pics!! Do you have a dog? Any pets? They could literally die at any moment. Isn't that crazy? You will most likely outlive all of them. Sad.

7. Everyone seems to be super nice lately? Huh, I wonder why. They feel sorry for you. They know they are so much better off than you, and they feel really bad. All their compliments and kindness are just empty words they feel compelled to say due to your complete lack of worth. Trust me on this one.

8. Something you want to post on social media? Might wanna take a look one more time. Sheesh! Everyone else's posts are kinda going off. Stare at yours for a long time—look at those flaws. They should bar you from ever letting the world see your face. Seriously.

9. Getting a lot of sleep? Think of all the things you could be doing in that time. You only have so long on this earth and the fact that you are spending it sleeping is a fucking shame. Just think about how sleeping now could affect everything about your future. You’re literally just going to be unemployed.

10. If all else fails, you probably have COVID.



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