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Tik Tok set to release all drafts by noon

THE UNITED STATES—According to TikTok CEOs Kevin A. Mayer and Zhang Yiming, all drafts are set to be released at noon today. Every cringey thirst trap and failed transition trick will all become public. This is an attempt to lessen the load on TikTok servers, which currently have over 500 million active daily users.

When asked for comment, Yiming said, “Look, we know not every TikTok is a winner. But we are doing what is best for our profi—for the community.” Mayer could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy swimming in a pool of cash.

For many TikTokers, new and old alike, this marks a major shift in digital privacy rights. The drafts button, once thought to be a safe-space of creative outlet, has now become a public forum, with all the entailing scrutiny.

When informed of the news, Duke student Karina Navarro (Pratt ‘25) said “What the hell? Are you kidding? I’m going to get canceled. I have 100 drafts! This is it!”

For others, such as avid Vine supporters, this change comes as no shock. 25-year-old boomer Nathaniel Gomez commented, “That’s what you get for ditching Vine. Hurricane tortilla will ALWAYS trump Charli D'Amelio. 2015 was the best year of my life. No, my hairline isn’t receding!”



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