LOS ANGELES, CA—The U.S. News and World Report College Ratings recently gave Duke a 10. Unfortunately, judging by west coast standards, she’s an eight at the best.
“She’s got a great campus and she’s smart too,” commented prospective student and surfer dude Jared Cook. “But the hotties out here in the City of Angels are on a whole ‘nother level!”
Cook expounded upon his opinion, “I’m sure out in North Carolina she’s at the top of food chain. And don’t get me wrong, I like what I see. But she just can’t compare with the sexy, sexy red roofs of Stanford. That’s why I’m saying 8, tops.”
At print time Cook was busy writing his Common App essay on how he always makes sure to grab women by their brains.