UNC: Not that safe for a safety school


CHAPEL HILL, NC—In a shocking turn of events, after testing no students and refusing to enforce coronavirus guidelines, the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill has closed its slave-built halls.


With over a hundred cases on their campus, UNC has shifted to remote learning and is asking all students to move out as soon as possible.


“I can’t believe this happened!” says Granville Towers resident Mary Cooper, leaving frat row with her mask hanging on one ear. Our Fluke reporter speculates she only made a 31 on the ACT.


When asked for comment, Duke senior Mihir Bellamkonda plainly stated, “We may have daddy’s money, but at least it can pay for COVID tests. Anyway, do you guys want to come over to my new apartment?”


In other news, Duke administration has been seen moving office equipment out of the Allen Building and into their cars. Wonder what that’s about?