Virgin takes all the free condoms from the Wellness Center “just in case”



WELLNESS CENTER, WEST CAMPUS — Trinity sophomore and virgin Richard Johnson was spotted taking all of the Wellness Center’s free condoms, “just in case” he finds someone to have sex with.


When reached for comment, Johnson explained that he has been collecting condoms across campus because “who knows” if tonight is his big night.


The sophomore has additionally been seen raiding vending machines for discounted condoms, and friends report that Johnson is known to carry a few rubber barrier devices in his wallet at all times on the off chance that he meets someone to sleep with and needs a condom at a moment’s notice.


Johnson’s hoarding of sexual health supplies coincides with Student Health’s new conservation awareness program, which urges students to take supplies “only if you’re actually getting any action.”