DURHAM, NC—Congratulations, you’ve been admitted to Duke via regular decision! That is an absolutely amazing achievement that you should be genuinely proud of—you were chosen out of tens of thousands of other incredibly rich talented students from across the country and world.
Now, the time has come for you to decide whether you will let this great achievement inflate your ego to unfathomably pretentious levels or bring you constant, unshakeable anxiety on if it was all just a fluke. Essentially, are you simply “built different” or are you the human equivalent of Bing?
The choice is far tougher than it seems at first glance. Although the former option is far easier, as it comes without the ol’ mental health tailspin, it is scientifically proven that it will make your face punchable on levels previously thought to be humanly impossible. While the God complex comes with a highly useful psychopathic immunity to criticism, it also means you will unironically call people “uncultured” and “sheep”.
On the other hand, choosing the latter option guarantees you’ll have a great sense of humor that is most certainly a coping mechanism. You may have frequent panic attacks from feeling utterly inferior to your peers, but at least you won’t explain to women why “they clearly didn’t get the joke.” You may not be happy, but you won’t be despised.
But if you happen to somehow choose both options, come join us at The Fluke! You'll fit right in.