Wilson gym admin announces new policy for no-shows: Death

DURHAM, NC—As the semester comes to a close, Wilson gym has announced a new policy for gym-goers who do not show up to their poorly–scheduled gym times: death. The administration has converted the Edens gym into a quick and convenient euthanization center for students. Wilson administration members liken this new procedural change to a high school detention program. Three absences lead to a week off of the gym and three weeks off leads to Edens.


Wilson administrator Steffanie Schuetz sent out a statement concerning this change in an email to the student body. “Let’s be honest,” the email reads, “it takes a special kind of psychotic person to make a plan two days in advance just to hold a spot for the gym that they don’t even use or let other people take. We’re hoping that by instituting a stricter no-show policy, we can promote the overall health and well-being of Duke students.”


The policy begins on 4/20/2021 and will continue until the end of the school year. With only a few weeks left in the semester, the staff is confident that no one will reach the nine absences allowed, but they are prepared for any situation. “Obtaining a license to kill was easier than initially anticipated,” Mrs. Schuetz comments, adding that one of their front desk receptionists has been trained to administer the lethal dose. “We hope that you’ll make it to the gym, one way or another.


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