DURHAM, NC—I hope none of you are coughing, because for the fall 2020 semester, all students showing symptoms of COVID-19 will face the swift justice of the guillotine (or as President Price so eloquently called it, “The Fever Cleaver”).
As Vice President Tallman Trask stated in his most recent email, “All these other schools are like ‘What about the rights of the individual? How do we provide for our students?’ Pussies. The solution is very simple: kill the weak and let the strong survive. Frankly, it’s about time we teach this generation a lesson. Back in my day, if you got sick, you’d shit your organs out like a real man.”
Much like the French Revolution of which it was inspired by, this new policy will hopefully bring order to an otherwise chaotic situation. And for those of you worried rising tuition costs, fear not, as those severed heads will go for a fortune on the black market.