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You can’t legally be depressed after 12 sessions: The triumph of CAPS

DURHAM, NC—The wind howls against an onslaught of freezing rain as midterm grades are about to be released. But as Jacob Price (Trinity ‘25) emerges from the wellness center and immediately ruins his brand new shoes in a muddy puddle, all he can see is sunshine and rainbows—he’s finished his twelfth and final CAPS session.

Dez Decker (Trinity ‘25) is a PSYCH 101 student, filling in for the overworked employees of the CAPS center. As a professional, Decker assured him that the candy he received after each session would kill any sad cells in his body. (Because that’s how human anatomy works.)

When asked about whether his patient’s struggles might be caused by more deep rooted trauma that would require more than twelve sessions to fix, Decker responded,, “Trust me bro, I’m from the Research Triangle, our psychology department has no idea how to deal with this lack of serotonin so we choose to ignore it.”

As Decker has no official training to be a therapist, he has devised his own experimental method to treat patients. The first step is to invalidate all their feelings. This allows patients to go home and realize that they aren’t actually sad, just bored. Next, Decker allows his patients to talk about their emotions, just so that they feel like they matter for a few seconds.

Finally, at their twelfth sesion, patients are given an envelope with a coupon for free ice cream and a sticker that says “I survived CAPS, no cap!.” As they walk out, employees chant “Don’t be sad when you can be glad” and remind students that they are no longer allowed access to therapy sessions. If they return, no one will listen to them.

“It works like a charm!” Decker exclaimed, “No one ever comes back.”



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