ABELE QUAD—In the aftermath of Duke’s recent climate commitment announcement, campus’ leading band of intellectuals and deep thinkers has returned with its own climate campaign.
Chad McFarrington, president of the Duke Ciceronian Society, made the following announcement recently in the Ciceronian Society’s typical meeting place, a poorly-lit cave under the ruins of Central Campus: “We’re going to buy barrels of oil and burn them on the quad.”
While some have argued that the barrel-burning idea is irrational and useless, the Ciceronians maintain that their actions are deeply symbolic and represent the importance of free speech. To quote McFarrington again, “Climate change isn’t real or whatever.”
Barrels of oil are hard to come by, and the true supplier of the barrels to the Ciceronians is unknown. That being said, it probably helps that the Vice President of the Society is the son of the CEO of BP. The society also aims to open a small-scale coal-fired power plant, which will be used to power a giant neon sign that reads “Down with leftism”.