Geez, get a life! Class of 2020 flocks to campus for "commencement"

ABELE QUAD, NC—After nearly two years of coronavirus restrictions, the Duke Class of 2020 returns to Durham for “Commencement” this weekend. While the class of 2020 had a virtual graduation in May, 2020, many students whined that they did not have the opportunity to celebrate their undergraduate education.


“After almost four years of making lifelong friendships, advancing my career, and building a community at Duke, I am excited to be back!” complained Duke graduate Aidan Webber, reminiscing on his all-time peak.


Other members of the Duke community have mixed opinions on the wave of recent graduates. “Fucking nerds,” declared Duke sophmore Ali Chen. “ It’s kind of cringy that they want to have an in-person graduation. They really must have no life, I mean do they even have jobs?”


Duke Provost Sally Kornbluth explained, “While we are excited to celebrate the Class of 2020, we did not expect so many graduates to return. Honestly, it is a bit embarrassing to see so many students trying to relive their prime.”


Aside from Commencement, many former students plan to revisit the sights of former glory. “I can’t wait to go back to Shooters!” exclaimed Scott Bernard, an enthusiastic, yet slightly rapey graduate.


Upon returning to campus, members of the Class of 2020 expressed distress regarding the many changes on campus, most notably the removal of the McClendon Bridge suicide nets.



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