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Temperatures drop, top one-percenters can now social signal with a sweater tied around their neck

DURHAM, N.C.—Dropping temperatures in North Carolina have prompted many Duke students to transition to warmer clothing, while one-percenters, in an attempt to prove that they really are just like us, have begun to don their sweaters… on their necks. 

The stylistic choice evidently has two sources of inspiration. Haughton Dayles (Fuqua, graduation date indeterminate) says that the neck-sweater signals affluence to other one-percenters: “It’s a reinforcement for when our Rolexes are covered.” The neck-sweater also has historical significance, Dayles says, “It’s really a nod to the French Revolution and our fallen brothers and sisters in wealth.”

While other students have attempted to imitate the look, Dayles says he can always spot a “beggarly poseur” using a trick his mother taught him: “Mummy always said that anything less than cashmere is an affront.” Dayles was recently spotted giving spare change to a student with a wool neck-sweater, although he reportedly snatched the change back after realizing he couldn’t get a tax write-off for it. 

For what will come next during colder winter months, one-percenters are sure to deliver. “Our money keeps us warm, so we can really wear whatever we want,” Dayles promises, giving the disturbing impression that pants will follow suit.



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