DURHAM, N.C.—A recently published study by researchers at the Duke Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences found that you, the reader, are the only Duke student who is currently not having an amazing time.
According to the study, which conducted interviews among the entire student population, your presence on campus is a statistically significant amount of depressing, and you stand out among all other students as being uniquely unable to handle the stress of attending Duke University. Dr. Yura Lucer, the principal investigator, said that her research team was not expecting this result.
“It’s really rare for us to see a case study of someone so outside the norm. This individual is several measures behind their peers in a variety of areas, such as socialization, academic success, mental health, and attractiveness,” said Dr. Lucr.
The research team also provided a course of action in the wake of their study’s results.
“It’s critical for the administration to understand the ramifications of this study. Having a Duke student like this is a danger to the rest of the student body. As a start, we propose that the admissions officer who vouched for the student be fired and that the student’s situation be included as a footnote in any discussions on campus regarding imposter syndrome.”
Some students, however, were unsurprised by the empirical evidence proving your inferiority.
“I mean, I didn’t want to say anything, but everyone else was thinking it.” said your best friend.