DURHAM, N.C.—When Melissa Peterson (P ‘24) came home late one Friday night, she was disappointed not to see Cooper (No one knows) hanging out in her living room. Cooper, the longtime boyfriend of Melissa’s roommate, Tina Minetia (T ‘24) had become a regular fixture of the apartment. “In the past, I got annoyed when Tina had guys over,” Melissa recalled, “but with Cooper, things were different. He knew to stay off the couch.”
Cooper, who answers to “Coop,” “Coopy,” and “Big Guy,” often drew people with his cheerful personality and vacant stares. Tina described a sense of surprise upon first meeting him: “He was so different from other men. He was always so nice to me, and not even because he wanted sex!”
Melissa reports an equal amount of awe, “one time Coop asked me an interpersonal question – unprompted! I think he even listened when I answered.”
Melissa was shocked when she heard Tina had broken up with Cooper. The reason? Long distance. Cooper was moving to a beautiful farm out in the country. “I was even more surprised to learn Tina was the one who had sent him away.”
When pressed about her motivations, Tina admitted that the decision was tough. “Coop was one of the nicest guys I’ve ever dated. What made up my mind was realizing how low my standards were. What does it mean that the best compliment society can give a man is that he’s ‘dim but loveable.’”
Tina has done her best to move on recently. A concerned Melissa has stressed the importance of being choosy in Cooper’s replacement. “The last thing we want on our hands are fleas.”