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“Pssst… Hey! You should eat with me until my friend comes,” student desperately whispers to spider

BRODHEAD CENTER—Pathetic little ratperson Cam Emerson (Trinity ‘25) sat alone outside Il Forno eating their soggy Sazon bowl for almost 15 minutes. In a desperate, last-ditch attempt to fit in, Emerson tried to coerce a passing spider into sharing a meal with him.

“Pst pst pst pst. Hey! You should eat with me ‘til my friend comes,” Emerson was reported to have said as he held out a little shred of cheese. The spider scuttled away, afraid of the social repercussions of being associated with this nascent social leper. We all live in our own webs, and this one preferred Charlotte’s to Emerson’s.

“I just saw the kid sitting alone, and I immediately warded off the bad vibes,” reported Trinity Kennedy (P ‘24).

“Thank God me and my posse of seven girlboss queens travel in a pack together everywhere. God forbid I was ever seen alone—I think I would kill myself,” said Cassie Novesotia. She laughed and tossed her shiny glossy hair behind her shoulder.

The spider eventually came to us to tell the other side of the story.

“Listen, I’m creepy, but I’m not that weird,” he said.

Reports of the supposed “friend” coming to share the meal were unverifiable, but a curious ant did stop by and share a scintillating conversation about last night's game. The ant clung all the way from Miami on the coat tails of Kyle Filipowski.



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