DURHAM, NC—This week, miniature gravesites could be found around campus to raise awareness for Spin scooter abuse and neglect. The protest, led by animal rights organization PETA, served to demonstrate the horrid conditions in which scooters have been abandoned, such as next to Alspaugh. Ingrid Newkirk, president of PETA and an only child, declared, “We will weep over the scooters until they rust from our tears.”
Newkirk’s will dictates that her thumb be mounted upward on a plaque and mailed as a reward to the organization that does the most to alleviate animal suffering at the time of her death. Since Newkirk has never been known to have a flair for dramatics, Duke is treating the situation very seriously. “This university takes great pride in our ability to rectify the easiest part of any problem, and we intend to do just that with animal cruelty at this school, starting and ending with scooter treatment,” said Carl DePinto, head of Duke Parking and Transportation Services.
Meanwhile, eagle-eyed students who noted that the scooters are not animals were quickly silenced after being asked to “prove it” and subsequently finding what sounded like a heartbeat. When asked to comment on this anomaly, Spin CEO Philip Reinckins said that he would “spill all the beans once someone makes me a Wikipedia page.” Upon hearing this, students stoically accepted that this was one scooter fact that would always remain a mystery.
The scooters themselves have also gotten involved. Using the Spin app to release a joint statement, the Duke University scooter population shared that they would not allow anyone to ride until PETA left campus because “they’re getting on our fucking nerves.” When activists implored how the scooters felt about their treatment, they were told, “It’s only fair. We know we’re malicious little shits.”
Having been rejected first by humans, then rodents, and now by machines, PETA plans to turn its attention to hammers: “It hurts us to know that they would be really hurting if they could.”