WASHINGTON, D.C—Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA.) handcuffed herself to the flagpole atop the U.S. Capitol building earlier this morning to protest the existence of Hunter Biden.
Greene, best known for being the loudest person in the room at all times, told bystanders that she was going to stay handcuffed to the flagpole without food or drink until Hunter Biden, the only living son of President Joe Biden, kills himself.
In the wee hours of Monday morning, Greene was seen shouting at bystanders. “I’m not going anywhere until that no-good hunk of white chocolate with powerful arms and a chiseled jawline comes and lifts me off this building himself…I mean until he blows his brains out.”
Jackson Brescher, who works for the Division of Animal Services, was the first on the scene. He was called to the Capitol after several reports of a “large proboscis monkey” that was terrorizing tourists near the government building were made. It wasn’t until Greene spoke English that he realized the squawking baboon was, in fact, actually the Georgia representative.
“It was incredible, she didn’t even need to shout,” Brescher said. “We offered her a megaphone and everything, but she didn’t need it. I’m no sound expert, but I’m pretty sure she broke 130 decibels.”
This is Greene’s 23rd recorded attack on Hunter Biden. Just last July, she unveiled Biden’s nudes at a House Oversight hearing. Unfortunately for Greene, everyone else in Congress had been receiving Biden’s dick pics for years.
UPDATE: After 8 hours of failed negotiations, it was revealed that authorities had been talking to an actual screaming proboscis monkey that Greene had dressed in a red dress and a “Trump Won” mask. Security footage shows the real Marjorie Taylor Greene replacing herself with the monkey after only thirty-three minutes of protest.