DURHAM, NC— In a move that will probably have significant legal ramifications, the Academic Deans have announced that they have greenlit the release of a new website to help struggling students boost their grades without having to do any academic work. Datemyprofessor.com is set to hit the internet next week, created in conjunction with the Duke Computer Science Department
The website has a bumble-like interface; the user is allowed to put up to 6 pictures, including one tasteful nude, along with their grades in their respective classes. Similar to the way that users are able to select “men seeking women,” users are also able to input their grade and the department that they are seeking to wine, dine, and sixty-nine .
The site also features a link to the best date spots in the metro-Durham area, including Il Forno, the patio at Cosmic Cantina, Trinity Cafe before 10am, Skewers before sundown, the Shooters cages on a Sunday afternoon, and the Whole Foods hot food section. Says sophomore Sophie McKeen (C- Econ 201), “I think this feature is super helpful because I honestly do not know my way around Durham. I’m actually only 50% sure Duke is even in Durham.”
When President Price was asked for a comment, he responded “Sometimes it’s nice to give our lawyers a challenge. Just to make sure we’re getting our money’s worth.”
Duke Alum and noted pornstar Belle Knox stated, “I think this creates opportunities for a more...well-rounded...education. It is really hard to climb through the workforce while giving toothy blowjobs.” In response, the Center for Gender and Sexual Diversity threatened to “literally bomb [her] house with [her] in it.”
This new website provides new challenges and opportunities to Duke students. This marks a shift from Duke, from trying to brush all bad PR under the rug to sensually embracing it with a tight grip.