DURHAM, NC––The shrieks of squirrels and students alike have recently echoed through Abele Quad at night, and Duke University Hospital has announced yet another shortage of rabies vaccines earlier today. An independent investigation traced the outbreak of the pandemic to a basement in Hillsborough, home to ADPhi’s newest pledge class.
“Don’t know about rabies, but I've bitten at least five babies today,” growled Jack McAfee (Trinity ’26) through chattering teeth.
“I've never seen a squirrel in my entire life,” said his pledge brother, Andrew Brockstein (Trinity ’26), while chewing on what appeared to be a baby squirrel’s tail.
ADPhi’s own tried and tested internal investigation process yielded no result, although a recently released statement urged readers to consider that ADPhi’s “avant-garde approach” to tasks such as new member education can sometimes result in “unconventional challenges.”
UPDATE, February 27: The county of Durham has decided to eradicate all squirrels in the area.