The Fluke News Staff
A capella member lacks pep on stage, later lacks heartbeat
DURHAM, NC—Duke’s a capella groups are known for their jaunty demeanors, out-of-date medleys, and now, attempted murder. The “Note Takers...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 10, 2022
- 1 min
Fluke Analytics Report: Petite, docile men get the most maduros at Sazón
THE SAZÓN LINE—Frustrated because you’re not getting enough maduros at Sazón? According to a recent study, you may need to get on the...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 10, 2022
- 1 min
INVESTING PRODIGY: Paul Pelosi named Fuqua's next James B. Duke Professor of Finance
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—After years of perfect investments, Paul Pelosi has been named Fuqua’s next James B. Duke Professor of Finance. Pelosi...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 10, 2022
- 1 min
Confused stoner rejoices as Ted Budd declares victory
ASHEVILLE, NC—Hotboxes and dispensaries erupted with glee earlier today at the news that Ted Budd, Republican candidate for the North...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 10, 2022
- 1 min
Blue Tenter Says Poll Line “Too Long”
DURHAM, NC––Following midterm elections on November 8th, reports have surfaced of Duke students complaining about the length of the line...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 26, 2022
- 2 min
Duke to demolish east campus dorms so freshmen finally talk about about something else
EAST CAMPUS—After a long two months of this year's freshman class talking about nothing other than which dorm they live in,...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 26, 2022
- 2 min
Running Out of Causes to Champion, PETA Turns Attention to Toppled Scooters That “Look Sad”
DURHAM, NC—This week, miniature gravesites could be found around campus to raise awareness for Spin scooter abuse and neglect. The...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 26, 2022
- 1 min
Op-Ed: I will kill myself if I'm the comic relief character in the group Halloween costume again
I’m done. I’m so fucking done. Once I got to Duke I thought my nightmare would finally be over. I could finally get away from being the...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 26, 2022
- 2 min
Waynestockings: Shapely calves and “astonishing elegance” displayed in annual Swan Lake performance
THE BARN—As the sweet sigh of violin music rises over the beer-soaked field, a hush falls over the crowd of over 10,000 spectators. Grips...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 26, 2022
- 2 min
Op-Ed: Chicken Little lied for attention. Here’s why I do it too.
When my girlfriend interned at Walt Disney last summer, her manager shared with her a Google Drive folder with first-draft screenplays of...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 26, 2022
- 1 min
Duke Student Boldly Displays Individuality by Wearing Duke Sweatshirt
UNIVERSITY STORE—When he donned his Duke sweatshirt Tuesday, Andrew Astor III could feel a weight being lifted off his shoulders. “It was...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 20, 2022
- 1 min
Kanye spotted running away from WU with AirDrop open
DUKE UNIVERSITY—On Saturday, there was a commotion in the Broadhead Center after an unknown menace airdropped hate speech to unsuspecting...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
Ciceronian Society announces its own climate pledge: burning barrels of oil for fun
ABELE QUAD—In the aftermath of Duke’s recent climate commitment announcement, campus’ leading band of intellectuals and deep thinkers has...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
Bitter Long Distance Partner Thumbs Up "I love you" Message
DURHAM, NC—A lonely night in Duke University’s Few Quad just got lonelier as sophomore Jessica Parker (Trinity ‘25) received a frigid...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 2 min
Short Friends are the New Lap Dogs: How to Get One and Keep Them Happy
DURHAM, NC—As the leaves fall, temperatures drop, and Christian Girl Autumn fits are liberated from the closet, people are flocking to...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
P-Edge dissolves after members P-Cum
DURHAM, NC—In an effort to decrease Experiential Orientation program costs, P-Edge dissolves after administrations let members P-cum. In...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
Duke falling dangerously behind Ivies in number of war criminals produced
DURHAM, NC—Duke’s dramatic fall this year from No. 9 to No. 10 in the U.S. News Rankings has many students and administrators wondering...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 2 min
Op-ed: Restraining Order? Signs your Mr. Perfect is just playing hard to get
You know who I’m talking about. That dreamy guy who checks all your boxes: cute, funny, smart, with that lock of hair that falls over his...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
Leaked Duke Dining food point budgeting plan offers free gastric balloons to football game attendees
DURHAM, NC—A leaked draft of Duke Dining’s “targeted” food point budgeting email generously offers gastric balloons to students in order...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
In effort to avoid grass, Duke to offer mudpatch
Durham, NC– Duke administration released a statement last Thursday, announcing that the Board of Trustees has become aware of growing...
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