The Fluke News Staff
For man with erectile dysfunction, it’s always a no bones day
DURHAM, NC—Johnny Crow (T ‘23) has a hard time getting his Johnny up. No matter how many gas station pills he uses, everyday is no bones...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 21, 2021
- 1 min
Girl who already put up Christmas decorations the worst person you know
DURHAM, NC—You don’t notice the signs until it’s too late. It starts off benign. Maybe a little Mariah Carey in the hallways. Maybe you...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 20, 2021
- 1 min
Squirrels injected with Duke's beta Covid-19 vaccine grow grotesquely enormous, replace C1 buses
DURHAM, NC—This morning, Duke revealed the mega-squirrels. When reached for comment, President Vincent Price said, “What if our beloved...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 20, 2021
- 1 min
In solidarity with freshmen, President Price participates in Turkey Drop
DEVIL’S KRAFTHOUSE–The Fluke News is thrilled and surprised to announce that an anonymous source (Theo John) has confirmed President...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 14, 2021
- 2 min
You can’t legally be depressed after 12 sessions: The triumph of CAPS
DURHAM, NC—The wind howls against an onslaught of freezing rain as midterm grades are about to be released. But as Jacob Price (Trinity...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 14, 2021
- 1 min
Frat bro discovers Duke is not named after KKK Grand Wizard, demands refund over false advertising
DURHAM, NC—After a riveting drunken debate and an internet search that took 15 minutes longer than it should have, noted roofie-master...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 14, 2021
- 1 min
New book “Literacy for Illiterates” struggles to sell
DURHAM, NC—Unfortunately for author Dylan Donovan, his new self-help book, Literacy for Illiterates, has struggled in book stores...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 14, 2021
- 1 min
Duke institutes new "Push a Bus" program, lays off transportation staff
DURHAM, N.C.—In a supposed effort to combat climate change, Duke students are now required to take transportation into their own hands....
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 14, 2021
- 2 min
“Liberal 'No Nut November' breaches our American liberty,” says Ciceronian Society
DURHAM, NC—In a press release that we only read because we had to, the Ciceronian Society expressed opposition to the widely observed...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 14, 2021
- 2 min
ATO throws party, everyone feels safe, has fun
DURHAM, NC—Duke’s Alpha Tau Omega fraternity threw a party this weekend, and it was everything we’ve come to expect from one of their...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 14, 2021
- 1 min
International Students: Why do you speak English?
It’s time we had a conversation about cultural appropriation. You might be thinking, “this is a tired subject, for the love of God, just...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 2, 2021
- 1 min
Abele Quad to be renamed “Zoboomafoo Jungle” after generous donation from Lemur Center
ABELE QUADZOBOOMAFOO JUNGLE—Celebrations echoed through the Allen Building this morning after the finalization of a multi-million dollar...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 2, 2021
- 1 min
Before entering heaven, God checks if you have wristband
HEAVEN—On a typical day in the land of the high above, ascending souls hope to spend the rest of eternity in God’s endless splendor of...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 2, 2021
- 1 min
CAPS to offer lobotomies
DURHAM, NC—In a 5-4 vote, Duke CAPS decided to finally try to help the Duke student body improve their mental health in a monumental,...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 2, 2021
- 1 min
Breaking: Duke Outing club releases list of LGBTQ students
AL BUEHLER TRAIL, NC—This week, Gina Smith (T ’23), an avid hiking enthusiast, was shocked to discover that the Duke Outing club was not...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 2, 2021
- 2 min
Datemyprofessor.com comes out just in time for 2nd round of exams
DURHAM, NC— In a move that will probably have significant legal ramifications, the Academic Deans have announced that they have greenlit...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 2, 2021
- 1 min
HRL Explains Quad-Ex: “It’s like Hogwarts but without literally anything that makes Hogwarts cool"
DURHAM, NC—In response to questions and concerns about Duke’s new Quad-Ex system from both students and faculty, HRL recently sent out an...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 21, 2021
- 2 min
Jeb Bush reportedly missing for 7 months, nobody noticed
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA—Turmoil erupted in political circles earlier this week as the Nation came to realize that the former Governor of...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 21, 2021
- 1 min
The only reason the chapel is so big is because it has no natural predators
Durham, NC—We all know about the Duke Chapel. It’s the Chapel that’s at Duke. It glows at night. Other things. It’s that nice pretty...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 21, 2021
- 1 min
Plan B included in new student dining plan
DURHAM, NC—Duke University has proposed new measures to curve accelerating college pregnancy rates. After having to implement...