DURHAM, NC—After carefully weighing all possible options, Duke has decided to switch to a fail/fail grading system for Spring 2020 grades...

DURHAM, NC—After years of determined research, a team with Duke Psychology and Neuroscience finally found an explanation for why pre-meds...

BAY AREA, CA––Picture this: You’re a 19-year-old Duke student. You spent all night texting your crush and they end the conversation with,...

NEW YORK, NY—The streets of the capital of the world are empty as bankers, street performers, and rats the size of Cuomo’s head all...

ZOOM APP—Amidst the pandemonium that only takes place in a global pandemic, Duke administrators have few things covered. But they’ve been...

DURHAM, NC—Emerging victorious from the heated battle, Tommy Hessel reportedly approached our desolate campus with a huge grin only to...

DURHAM, NC—Following a surge of criticism surrounding the local campus satire paper, The Fluke News, the paper has responded with self...

DURHAM, NC—Almost halfway through the second semester, Duke students far and wide have begun to find their summer plans. Econ majors will...

Worried about the guy you just started seeing? If he exhibits any of these warning signs, be sure to give that new relations a second...

VATICAN CITY—As a result of widespread church closures due to the COVID-19 pandemic, The Vatican has announced that God will begin...

DURHAM, NC—In other news, CAPS announced they have solved mental illnesses by simply not having any students at Duke who can come to CAPS.

DURHAM, NC—After 3 members of the Duke community tested positive for coronavirus, President Price delivered an inspiring email in fluent...

ROOM 214, EAST DUKE—Junior and narcissistic egomaniac, Bryan Long, reportedly “respectfully disagrees” with the point you just made. “I...

DURHAM, NC—Chronicle columnist Ben Wyatt, infamous around campus for his controversial Conservative-leaning articles and opinions, has...

DURHAM, NC — A new Duke Department of Psychology study showed that 81% of Duke undergraduates would prefer not to be shot by Cupid’s...

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA—After a crushing victory of Big Oil interests over the wellbeing of the Australian people, Dean Sue Wasiolek...

DURHAM, NC — After another racially charged incident on campus, President Price delivered an inspiring email in fluent Latin, proclaiming...

GRIFFITH THEATER, WEST CAMPUS—Worldly junior Oliver Peterson has transformed overnight into an expert of foreign cinema after watching...

DURHAM, NC—A Trinity sophomore barely maintained control of himself this Monday when he walked past the Chapel nine shots deep and...

DURHAM, NC—Duke administrators are excited to announce a new foreign language option for Duke undergraduates to study: how to talk to...