The Fluke News Staff
The Fluke News Exclusive Interview with UNCVirginity
The University of North Carolina is ranked as one of the nation’s top schools in sending students home. However, UNC is currently...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 3, 2021
- 1 min
Coach K kills student reporter, receives one game suspension
Durham, NC—Following Duke’s recent tough loss to another unranked team, Coach Mike “that bitch” Krzyzewski was faced with an unfairly...
The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 31, 2021
- 1 min
BREAKING: Duke marriage pact just a front for DUPD to find out who runs through red lights
DURHAM, NC—The Fluke Unit of the Chronically Knowledgeable (FUCK)––the Fluke News’s anonymous sources in Duke Student...
The Fluke News Staff
- Dec 19, 2020
- 1 min
Trump signs new Executive Order unilaterally banning Eumelanin in the US
WASHINGTON, D.C.— In a rush to leave his legacy during his remaining days in office, Donald Trump signed into existence a Executive Order...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 22, 2020
- 1 min
Duke to confirm all students to return in spring–will change decision two days before return
DURHAM, NC—After a long semester of no breaks, thousands of dollars spent on precautionary quarantine, and approximately 1 student...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 13, 2020
- 2 min
Campaign Blunder: Trump goes to Transylvania instead of Pennsylvania
TRANSYLVANIA—Television personality Donald Trump held a campaign rally in Transylvania the day before the election. Speaking to an...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 12, 2020
- 3 min
Desperate White House staffers bring in cast of Sesame Street to explain to Trump how elections work
Washington, D.C.— As Trump continues to vehemently protest the results of the 2020 Election by making numerous illegitimate claims of...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 8, 2020
- 2 min
New cabinet position created: Secretary of Checking if Biden Died in His Sleep
Washington, DC—After four days of waiting, former Vice President Joe Biden has officially surpassed the 270 electoral vote threshold to...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 7, 2020
- 1 min
Fluke Investigates: Does this twitter activist not realize he's white?
DURHAM, NC—White activist Daniel Yellin might be passionate about posting instagram stories about the Black Lives Matter movement and...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 31, 2020
- 2 min
Joe Biden injured in fight with his “terrifying evil clone,” later determined to be his reflection
DELAWARE—“Keep it together jack,” Joe muttered to himself softly. He sat alone on the edge of his bed in darkness, trying desperately to...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 31, 2020
- 1 min
Yas queen! A closer look at Somalia’s first “warlady”
MOGADISHU—Khadra Farah Ibrahim is being hailed internationally as a “feminist icon” for becoming the female in Somali history to seize...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 31, 2020
- 1 min
Bug in SymMon app allows students to submit symptoms without performing a thorough self-examination
Durham, NC—The date is October 12, 2020. Time: 4:00 AM. Vincent Price is woken up by the buzzing of his phone. He picks it up. A voice...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 31, 2020
- 1 min
BREAKING: Duke administration invests in fossil fuels to end student debt
Durham, NC—The Duke Board of Trustees recently announced their decision to continue investing in the fossil fuel industry, despite fierce...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 27, 2020
- 3 min
White in a Sea of Blue Devils: Duke Proud Boys no longer active as election approaches
Hi. I’m Monday Monday, from the Duke Chronicle! This column was supposed to run this Monday, but was pulled at the last minute because it...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 22, 2020
- 1 min
Op-ed: I don’t think I should have gotten a B+ on the midterm essay
Now that we’ve all gotten our Philosophy 201 midterm essays back, I think it’s important to tackle a serious issue: my grade. While I...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 22, 2020
- 2 min
"We fought hard and know what needs work," says Cutcliffe on scrimmage with local middle school
CHAPEL HILL, NC—After losing to Smith Middle School during a Wednesday scrimmage, Duke Football head coach David Cutcliffe expressed how...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 22, 2020
- 1 min
Op-ed: Let's just replace the election with a “No judgement, just curious: Biden or Trump” IG poll
Let’s be honest: this is getting ridiculous. First I had to fill out the registration form, then I had to have the girl from Keohane 4D...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 9, 2020
- 1 min
Op-ed: I won’t vote until we can ALL vote
Frankly, I’m appalled by the levels of voter suppression here in North Carolina. The gerrymandering, the ID laws, and the intricacies of...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 9, 2020
- 1 min
Op-ed: No need for PornHub—Thin curtains in Hollows are enough
It was the summer of 8th grade when I graduated from my free Pornhub account, finally convincing my parents to let me go premium. Since...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 9, 2020
- 1 min
Duke cuts funding for groundbreaking AI research because “that’s like some Black Mirror shit”
DURHAM, NC—Despite promising results, potentially groundbreaking research in the use of AI for curing genetic diseases in homeless...